That Cat is an Asshole – Raven Oak

That Cat is an Asshole

Cat Scratch Fever

It was puffier and angrier before the Neosporin.

No Flashback or Flashforward today. I feel like talking about the large gauge across my face.

My cat is an asshole. To be honest, most cat owners know that cats are completely capable of being assholes. It’s second nature to them. Right after “Feed me” and “Pet me. No, don’t pet me!”

Riley (one of our three cats) has this thing he does when he’s hungry. He will hop up on a nightstand and then wrecking ball himself into us while we sleep.

Now don’t underestimate what I’m saying. This is 15 lbs. of cat to the stomach or the kidney or the groin. He leaps on us like he’s trying to catch a mouse–claws out and all his weight concentrated on one area.


The asshole

If you’re intensely unlucky, he’ll pounce your face. As you can see from the picture, this is where he got me. It bled furiously. While I held a soap-covered washcloth to my face, he wrapped himself around my ankles to remind me that he was starving and wasting away. If I didn’t feed him immediately, he was going to die.

I mean, who could argue with a face like that? He was going to die folks!

So I got up and fed him.

The entire time, I had this lovely ditty in my head:

I love Stephen Lynch. 😉 I could also go with this Tori’s take on assholes. Or if I was less blunt, I could go with Cat Scratch Fever. Either way, you get the point. Today, my cat was an asshole. A real asshole.

Anyone else got an asshole pet?

7 Replies to “That Cat is an Asshole”

  1. My wife actually contracted Cat Scratch Fever from the gash our asshole cat dealt her while she was asleep.  It took a while to get diagnosed because who actually expects cat scratch fever?

    Thank you for introducing me to a new artist.  He is a poet. 😉

  2. IndraBlackthorne I’ve had it as well. I love that I get this new battle wound right before a conference. *sigh*
    Yes, Stephen Lynch is quite the comedian.

  3. kaonevar IndraBlackthorne Oh no! That’s when you want to look your personal best, but it figures that a cat would find a way to muck it up for you.  At least no one peed in your shoes, purse or favored leather item.
    I am sure you will find a way to look smashing, and now you have a story and icebreaker to take with you. 
    What conference are you going to?

  4. IndraBlackthorne kaonevar I’ve actually finished my writing conferences for the year, so it’s not too bad. The con next week is actually PAX Prime. 🙂

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